Hooked on Dildonics

He was naturally a thirsty soul, and was soon tempted to repeat the draught. One taste provoked another, and he reiterated his visits to the flagon so often, that at length his senses were overpowered, his eyes swam in his head, his head gradually declined, and he fell into a deep sleep.

***

Sweet Christ, the LongPen is back.  Thought I was still asleep.  Thought, mad as I am, that this thing would be revealed as the sad hoax it longs to be.

In case you have forgotten:

Author Margaret Atwood's unlikely invention, the LongPen, is moving into a record store and several bookstores in Canada, the United States and England for a trial run that could bring fans and their idols closer together.

Its makers are courting notables in the world of music, sports and film to start using the remote-controlled pen, which allows people to sign autographs from anywhere in the world and chat with others via videoconferencing.

Spokesperson Bruce Walsh says shops with a LongPen kiosk could soon become hubs for celebrity sightings of a new kind.

"You could potentially see the talent in their dressing room, somewhere, and they could actually sign into a bookstore," says Walsh.

"It doesn't really matter, if there's a kiosk set up, you can sign all kinds of different kinds of talent into wherever the kiosk happens to be."

Kiosks will be set up at the World's Biggest Bookstore and HMV's flagship record store in Toronto, Barnes & Noble in New York and Waterstone's in London beginning after Labour Day, and could expand elsewhere if successful, Walsh says.

The device -- built by Atwood's Toronto-based company Unotchit -- comprises a video screen and digital writing pad at one location and a video screen and automated pen at another.

Until now it has only been used by authors trying to reduce the rigours of book tours.

In recent days, authors Norman Mailer and Alice Munro used it to appear at the Edinburgh International Book Festival in Scotland, while staying on this side of the Atlantic.

Neither would have been able to appear at the festival had it not been for the LongPen, says Walsh.

This thing haunts me in my sleep.  Why?  Perhaps because it combines the thrill of an Alice Munro appearance with the excitement of a kiosk?

Now, honestly, is this meant to benefit the reader in any way?  I see where it benefits Norman Mailer, because he doesn't even have to put on his pajama bottoms to be adored.  I see where it benefits his publisher, because they don't have to spring for air travel or send over some poor erstwhile Communications major to try to cajole Mailer into his goddamn pajama bottoms.

For the reader (or fan, as they would have it)? I rather think it exploits a mild tendency towards starfucking, then rubs the reader's face in it as the dumb point glides across the leaf.  If you're not hearing the death rattle of either yourself or Literature as this transpires, you're not paying enough attention. 

Hyperbolic?  Ah, friends, watch this video and gaze upon Alice Munro--bless her heart--and then tell me that to my face.

Social network marketing!

Patrick Bateman salivates over the LongPen.  I pray this isn't really happening.

***

What is it they want from the man that they didn't get from the work? What do they expect? What is there left when he's done with his work, what's any artist but the dregs of his work, the human shambles that follows it around?  (Gaddis)

Comments

[Matthew Tiffany]

Hear, hear. Makes me want to be a hermit, these things.

[Rake]

But if you become a hermit, how are you going to sign important documents?

Hey, I know...!

[R Ellis]

I thought this was a kind of joke invention, an ironic device meant to give autographs while simultaneously undercutting the very idea of autographs. I still think it is.

[James]

I went to the stand for this at the London Book Fair - la Atwood was there, surrounded by black-shirted Long Pen Corp acolytes. Creepy as hell. (It also stores signatures, presumably for when the author gets tired and just makes general waving-arm motions under the camera's line of sight).

P.S. Read 'Jujitsu for Christ'. You weren't wrong.

[Rake]

Ms. Ellis: I keep waiting for the proof of that, but I don't think it is forthcoming. (See James, below.) Sad, really, because the LP beggars satire.

James, re: JFC: Excellent. Keep spreading the word.