And if you never had a question, then you'd never have a problem

In life, friends, there are puzzlers.

Loyal Simpsons viewers remember when a Sphinx-like, stoned Homer stumped Ned Flanders with the question "Can Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself cannot eat it?"

Then, there are simple curiosities, such as "Why is it every time I read an article about the evil of blogs, I find it hard to follow the muddled arguments, but I swear I can smell the author's urine-soaked underwear?"

Life, a rich tapestry indeed.

Now, we come to the question of whether a person of woman born can compose a question so stupid that Chuck Palahniuk gets offended.  Wonder no longer:

Q: It's the apocalypse. You're allowed one weapon—what is it and why? —nflux

CP: One weapon? Can I get a machine gun with an endless supply of shells? Would you ask Susan Sontag this question? Joyce Carol Oates? What weapon did Grace Paley ask for?

Clearly, the answer is "A Bible," but he was either playing coy or doesn't know. 

He might also not know that Susan Sontag is dead.  The living Susan Sontag prolly woulda armed herself with Anne Leibovitz's deadly boring anecdotes about doing smack with the Rolling Stones and short-sheeting Jann Wenner's bed. 

Your pal called Joyce Carol Oates and she said "Paper!  More paper!  Wait, no.  A pen!  But a pen without paper..."  And then she trailed off into obscenities.

Grace Paley, reached in Vermont, said she'd gladly tear off one of Palahniuk's hypertrophied arms and finally put it to good use pummeling the postapocalyptic zombie armies.

So that's that.

Next time, we'll explore if Palahniuk could shit in a paper bag and sell it to fanboys, and, if so, would they still insist it didn't stink. 

Comments

[Matthew Tiffany]

I used to be underwhelmed by the AV Club. No, wait, before that it was actually interesting, sometimes, then underwhelming. Now, so much less. In a bad way.

What would Chuck expect to be asked? If you don't like your rabid, uber-pseudo-macho fan base, stop catering to them. If you serve beer, you're going to get beer drinkers. One plus one makes two / At least, I'm pretty sure they do / Oh yes it's true / One and one make two

[Jeff]

Is it a crack in the ChuckChuck armor?

[R Ellis]

It's very funny when writers get all bent out of shape because they suspect that someone, somewhere out there, isn't taking them quite seriously enough. Apparently fame and money are the bronze and silver prizes. R.E.S.P.E.C.T is the gold, but you know, I bet that's never enough either. It's always the wrong people... (paging J. Franzen).

[erin]

Grace Paley is a pacifist. There's no way she'd tear off Chuck Palahniuk's arm -- even in the interests of self-defense.

She's simply hiding the fact that most of that time she spends in Vermont, she's working on anti-zombie force field technology. When the time comes, she'll be ready.

I doubt Mr. Palahniuk can say the same.